Christmas in March

It's even snowing outside right now; it's a sign! But seriously, hello jackpot!

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I love Kijiji

No words are needed here. Found in the 'Classic Cars' section:

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1986 Chrysler Executive

Seeing as though it's a Sunday, and Sunday's always something to celebrate, let's start this post off with some Cake.

Now, I know that no one really needs an excuse to post Cake, but since I care about you, my readers, and do not wish you to go through the next six hours of your life with Short Skirt, Long Jacket stuck in your head without knowing why, I'll explain my reason for so brightening up your day.

I was on the internet today, and I found this:

I know what you're thinking, and I want one too, but neither of us can have it. I also found this for sale in Beamsville, and this one you can have, if you pay the $5,900 asking price:

It's a 1986 Chrysler Executive limousine, one of 138 manufactured in '86. Now, how far along are you in the song (you have been playing it, haven't you)? The third stanza makes mention of a white Chrysler LeBaron, which formed the basis for this wonderful block of an automobile. I know that may be a lame reason for posting the song, But I like Cake, and I know you do too, so just enjoy it for what it is.

Now, I don't know why you'd be in the market for an 80's limousine that probably smells of mothballs and spilled Pepsi, but if you are, you probably won't find anything more interesting than this.

I am fully aware, however, that that's not saying much. I'll be the first to tout the K-Car's significance in Chrysler's fight for survival, and I'll sing Lee Iacocca's praises until the Lord calls me home, but I still think that every single car that rides on that K-Car platform is about as visually interesting as a plate of stale carrots. If you ask me, if the design of a car can be exactly duplicated using only 3 blocks of Lego, that design needs a bit more personality injected into it.

You're not getting much excitement in the powertrain department either. The Executive carries over the LeBaron's snoozer of a 2.2 L four-cylinder, and isn't likely to ruffle anyone's panties (except, perhaps, Jon Voight's).

So why am I posting this? I don't know; go ask George Costanza. It's been a slow couple of weeks on Kijiji lately, and the pickings are slim in terms of stuff I'd actually want to buy. So instead I'm just going to sit here and rock out to some more Cake. Peace out, homeslices of the Webinet.

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1997 Ferrari 355

It's not every day you see a Ferrari pop up for sale in little old St. Catharines. But today is not just every other day; today is March 6, 2012! And you know what that means: it's international Sell-Your-Crummy-Ferrari day! Ferrari owners from around the world are gathering this very moment to gripe about their fast, expensive sports cars and try to pawn them off on unsuspecting by-passers.

Rapper Moe Hose publicly burns
his sportscar in an effort to gather
fellow Ferrari-haters.

The event began in 2005 when rapper, philanthropist and gardener extraordinaire Moe Hose decided to take action against the world-renowned sports cars. Attempting to vent his frustration at the excessive number of women that would throw themselves at his supercar, Hose publicly burned his '02 Ferrari Enzo and posted the video to Youtube. The video quickly went viral, and soon reports started surfacing of entire clubs of discontented corporate fat-cats, who gathered together in mutual hatred of their mighty machines of manliness.

These clubs soon banded together to organize an international Ferrari-shedding festival, where thousands of unwanted speed machines are peddled from the hands of richlings into the grimy paws of the unwashed masses, who are blissfully unaware of the massive service charges that are about to ruin what financial assets they had left.

 Our local Ferraris Suck - Niagara Chapter's entrance into this worldwide phenomenon comes in the form of this '97 F355 Spider. The spiteful F-car owners' club president, Rich N. Bichenne, opines on its crappidity, "What we have here is a bloody awful example of how not to use the colour blue".

Bichenne also disapproves of the car's piddly-poor performance specifications. "Look, it's only got 380hp, and it takes nigh-on forever (4.6s) to get to 100km/h. Besides, look at it, it's got no roof!"

 Bichenne and his rich friends, who are currently in the self-described "non-prescription medication transaction" industry, are searching for an up-and-coming young professional who once had a poster of the F355 on his or her wall. "It's the perfect crime," says Bichenne, "We'll have young guys come and look at the car, thinking they can afford the $75 grand, and not knowing an oil change will only set them back, oh, I don't know, $15,000". *cackle*

Asked whether he would burn the car in the event that it does not sell, Bichenne told us to mind our own business, and strongly discouraged us from opening the trunk, which seemed to be leaking a fine, white, powdery substance.

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1983 Datsun 280 Z

Up on the proverbial auction block from St. Kitts is this '83 Datsun 280Z. For those who are familiar with the Z, Datsun/Nissan's small sports car, you'll appreciate what this car is not. It is not achingly gorgeous like the original 240Z, nor is it a mechanical and technological tour-de-force like the 300ZX Twin Turbo. It is, in its own semi-endearing way, very 80's. The blocky, awkward styling that is the result of the mutilation of the 240's near-perfect lines makes the car something of a disappointment to look at. Really, all you can do is think of what the 240 looks like, look at this, and say "well, that's a shame," and walk away.

I'll be honest about this one; I wouldn't buy it, and I see no compelling reason why you would either. The only reason I'm posting this is so I can share with you this TV ad, which, I'm sure you'll agree, comprises the best 31 seconds of 80's goodness ever recorded.

The 'stache, man, the 'STACHE! Full ad

EDIT: Breaking (30 years ago) news! I have found yet another sweet-action 80's 280ZX ad. In its own words: AWESOME.

1991 Mazda Miata BRG

My second (current) white '90

There are some really weird people out there. I don't mean Trekkie weird or tin-foil hat-wearing 'hide in their basement to shield yourself from the government's brainwashing sonic waves' weird. The weirdos I'm talking about are those who will buy the same thing, over and over again, for no good purpose other than to have it.

This is me.

When I turned 18 and finished high school, I set about searching for a first car. I toyed with a few ideas, most of which in retrospect were not worth toying with (30-year old rusty sports coupes with no brakes have their appeal, trust me.), until my dad dropped me a line about a white 1990 Miata for sale a few blocks down the road. I scoffed at the idea. Miata? Pffft total girl's car. However, to homour my father, I agreed to take a look. We met the owner (Hartley Strauss, husband of Angie Strauss), and took the car for the proverbial spin around the block. Words can scarce describe the euphoria that enveloped me tighter than the cramped cockpit. Never had I so much fun going so slowly.

Miata fever struck me for the second time two-and-a-half years later, when I came home one day with another, nearly identical white '90 in tow I had found on Kijiji a few days prior. It was slightly cleaner than my old one, and had fewer kilometers on it, so it kind of made a little bit of rational sense. I mean, lots of people buy two copies of the same exact car, right?

Anywho, that winter, twin white Miatas slept together in the garage, and after realizing I could only drive (and afford) one car at a time, I sold the old one, and have been driving Miata #2 for the past three years.

Miata Fever is again gnawing away at my brain, and while this time I'll be forced to restrain myself, I heartily encourage one of you to delve into the small and cramped (in a cuddly way) yet superbly fun world of the Mazda Miata.

This wonderful little '91 British Racing Green version, for sale in Ridgeway for $5,950 is a Miata-lover's dream come true. It's clean, well-appointed (for a Miata), low mileage, and sports that wonderfully iconic forest-y green paint. It also includes the optional matching hardtop, which in good condition is a sought-after commodity in the Miata world, fetching up to $800-$1000.

I really can't tell you what a joy these cars are to drive and to own. In my five years of Miata ownership, I've gone just about everywhere, including off-road through the middle of muddy vineyards, in them, and have had fun every mile of it. I've also become rather familiar with the mechanicals of the car, and even though the drivetrain is bulletproof, it can be a pain to work on sometimes (replacing the convertible top was a grueling 18-hour job). But hey, it's a bonding experience.

Please, somebody buy this car before I do something very reckless ... again.

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