Tuesday, March 6, 2012

1997 Ferrari 355

It's not every day you see a Ferrari pop up for sale in little old St. Catharines. But today is not just every other day; today is March 6, 2012! And you know what that means: it's international Sell-Your-Crummy-Ferrari day! Ferrari owners from around the world are gathering this very moment to gripe about their fast, expensive sports cars and try to pawn them off on unsuspecting by-passers.

Rapper Moe Hose publicly burns
his sportscar in an effort to gather
fellow Ferrari-haters.
The event began in 2005 when rapper, philanthropist and gardener extraordinaire Moe Hose decided to take action against the world-renowned sports cars. Attempting to vent his frustration at the excessive number of women that would throw themselves at his supercar, Hose publicly burned his '02 Ferrari Enzo and posted the video to Youtube. The video quickly went viral, and soon reports started surfacing of entire clubs of discontented corporate fat-cats, who gathered together in mutual hatred of their mighty machines of manliness.

These clubs soon banded together to organize an international Ferrari-shedding festival, where thousands of unwanted speed machines are peddled from the hands of richlings into the grimy paws of the unwashed masses, who are blissfully unaware of the massive service charges that are about to ruin what financial assets they had left.

 Our local Ferraris Suck - Niagara Chapter's entrance into this worldwide phenomenon comes in the form of this '97 F355 Spider. The spiteful F-car owners' club president, Rich N. Bichenne, opines on its crappidity, "What we have here is a bloody awful example of how not to use the colour blue".

Bichenne also disapproves of the car's piddly-poor performance specifications. "Look, it's only got 380hp, and it takes nigh-on forever (4.6s) to get to 100km/h. Besides, look at it, it's got no roof!"

 Bichenne and his rich friends, who are currently in the self-described "non-prescription medication transaction" industry, are searching for an up-and-coming young professional who once had a poster of the F355 on his or her wall. "It's the perfect crime," says Bichenne, "We'll have young guys come and look at the car, thinking they can afford the $75 grand, and not knowing an oil change will only set them back, oh, I don't know, $15,000". *cackle*

Asked whether he would burn the car in the event that it does not sell, Bichenne told us to mind our own business, and strongly discouraged us from opening the trunk, which seemed to be leaking a fine, white, powdery substance.

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11 comments:

Estefania Gomez said...

Are these people bitter because the car isn't worth the high price tag?

Brad Richardson said...

I've never heard about this group before. Seems like a great way to vent a little frustration. Love the humour you inject into your writing. Keep it up.

Katzendame said...

I suppose you run out of things to complain about when you're rich.

"My Ferrari sucks."

I'm pretty sure my NO Ferrari sucks more.

Ian Rabbitts said...

Colour is "GRIGIO" - only serviced by Ferrari, lol. Good points on the maintenance costs. Upkeep for luxury vehicles is incredibly expensive. I also like the humour you inject into your writtings.

I know that Moe Hose would be honoured to be featured in Kijunkers.

Natalie Meza said...

I never knew about this group or event. What an interesting context that frames the world of Ferraris!

Rachel Legault said...

I didn't know any of this existed either. I think your blog is a great resource for other car lovers and I keep learning something new.

Gillian Greenall said...

So I'm not much of a car person, as long as it has five wheels and a seat I'm good. But you provide a lot of good insight to why car's - such high end cars too- should be recognized as such great automobiles.

Lesley Ann Nutt said...

I don't know, but I enjoyed the roar of the engine when I started them up when I was a valet.

Janine Chaarani said...

LOL "International Sell-Your-Crummy-Ferrari day!" Looks like I'll have to add this to my calendar for future years!

I can't believe people are so stupid to BURN their Ferraris. I mean, I'm more of a Lambo fan myself, but I would never burn a Ferrari, despite the fact of how "crappy" its colour blue is. People these days..

Valleyboy said...

some of y'all have to adjust your sarcasm-meters :P

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